Kate and Sasha

August 18, 2018 was a magical day. We were incredibly blessed to have so many of our loved ones witness our wedding! So many said such kind things to us about our vows, readings, music and words that we wanted to document them and make them available.

Kate's vows

Choosing a partner at the midpoint of life is a statement about the kind of life we want to live. In choosing you, Sasha, I choose authenticity, integrity, sensitivity, emotional responsibility, and spiritual purpose. I choose the exploration of intellectual ideas, the richness of creativity, the pursuit of joy, the desire for a fairer and kinder world for all of us, and meaningful connections with those close to us. My cup runneth over to have found someone who wants to share such a life with me, and in that spirit, I make these vows to you:

I promise you radical acceptance. I will endeavor to see you as you are, to hear what you are trying to express, and to understand you as you wish to be understood. I will interpret your words and actions with generosity and kindness. My love will always leave room for you to be gloriously, imperfectly human.

I promise to make space in our marriage for evolution; for risk; for creative exploration; for intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth. My love will never depend on a static conception of who you are or who we are. I recognize the inevitability of change, and will strive to welcome it with grace.

No couple shares a mind, a heart, or a soul. But I vow to open those places in myself to you, so that you may know me, and that we may become as close as two people can be. I will not shut you out in times of fear or sadness or pain or shame. I will remember that it is as important to receive love as it is to give it, and I will receive your love each day with gratitude.

I promise to build this blended family with you. I will support your efforts to be an outstanding stepfather to my boys, and will embrace my own role in Chaya’s life with energy, compassion, wisdom, and love.

I promise to age consciously and conscientiously in all of the aspects over which I have power and choice, so that our journey together may be a long and healthy one.

I promise to be all in. As Jack would say: We’re off on a grand adventure. I promise to greet our future with laughter, delight, curiosity, and the joy of discovery. And, lastly, I promise to appreciate and celebrate all of the beautiful aspects of our life together, so that we never lose today’s sense of wonder at having found each other.

Sasha's vows

Kate, it is such a thrill and an honour to pledge myself to you.

I promise to love the world with you and try to make our partnership a blessing beyond our home.

I promise to stretch myself into zones of discomfort when that is what our partnership needs and to communicate with love if stretching a certain way would be wrong for me.

I promise to support your dreams, because your dreams are inspiring to me.

I promise to value your creative work and demonstrate that I value it with more than just words.

I promise to do an equal share of the work that nobody really wants to do but that is required for a good, functioning relationship, family and world.

I promise to nurture my own capacities for gratitude, celebration and wonder so that I’m less likely ever to take all the good things in our life for granted.

I promise to care for my body and mind so that you can have a healthy partner you don’t mind looking at, talking to or touching for as long as possible.

I promise to listen to you if you tell me lovingly that I’m headed down a path that is ultimately wrong for me, and to try to discern and tell you if I see you heading down a path that is wrong for you.

I promise to love your boys and do everything I can to help you parent them on their way to becoming happy, thoughtful and empowered men.

I promise to honor your family and care about their experience of me and of us as a couple.

I promise to remain faithful to you, to value your fulfillment and pleasure independent of my own, and be affectionate with you every day.

I promise to do my best to discover and create meaning with you in the face of our own impermanence and to do what I can with you to contribute lastingly to the world we will leave behind while we are here.

Try To Praise The Mutilated World

Adam Zagajewski, tr. Claire Cavanaugh

Try to praise the mutilated world.
Remember June's long days,
and wild strawberries, drops of rosé wine.
The nettles that methodically overgrow
the abandoned homesteads of exiles.
You must praise the mutilated world.
You watched the stylish yachts and ships;
one of them had a long trip ahead of it,
while salty oblivion awaited others.
You've seen the refugees going nowhere,
you've heard the executioners sing joyfully.
You should praise the mutilated world.
Remember the moments when we were together
in a white room and the curtain fluttered.
Return in thought to the concert where music flared.
You gathered acorns in the park in autumn
and leaves eddied over the earth's scars.
Praise the mutilated world
and the gray feather a thrush lost,
and the gentle light that strays and vanishes
and returns.

I Want Both of Us

Hafiz, tr. Daniel Ladinsky

I want both of us
To start talking about this great Love

As if You, I and the Sun were all married
And living in a tiny room.

Helping each other to cook,
Do the wash,
Weave and sew,
Care for our beautiful
Animals.

We all leave each morning
To labor on the earth’s field.
No one does not lift a great pack.

I want both of us to start singing like two
Traveling minstrels
About this extraordinary existence
We share,

As If
You, I, and God were all married

And living in
A Tiny
Room

Sasha's toast

Ok, I want to make this short because I don’t want to miss my second hour-iversary.

I really can’t tell you how wonderful it is for me that you’re all with us on this happiest of days. I know some of you have just met Kate, some of you have known her for a little while, and some of you knew her all the way back.

But I have to say, in the last year I think I must have gotten to know her better than any of you, because I have to believe if you knew what I know about Kate, each one of you would have been proposing marriage to her every single day. Maybe not her immediate family.

But seriously, you can’t imagine a better life partner than this woman. If I had known that I’d end up with someone this gorgeous, strong, generous, creative, reliable, respected, and loving, I would have… done exactly the same things I did, because that’s the best thing possible and there is no better thing.

And I want to say — all the things we promised each other just now? We’re already doing them every day! Let me break down what that means just a moment: Each of us thought about what we would most dearly love in the world to find in a lifelong partnership, put it in writing, and it was all the stuff we have with each other right now. I think that’s known as winning life.

In fact, this is a pretty typical day for us. I get up in the morning, put on my sherwani, profess undying love to Kate, and eat some cake. The only thing different is that usually our dog is in the middle of everything. Kate really, really wishes Shelby could be here today. The staff of George and Toronto Public Health really, really don’t.

There are also some people we miss today as we celebrate. My father was too sick to travel to be here, and my stepmother is caring for him. My cousin Ellen and my friend Flora who both had to stay at home to take care of loved ones, and they’re in our thoughts. I also especially miss my mom, who I think would really love Kate and find a lot in common with her, in their creative artistry and their funky taste in clothes. And my grandmother on my father’s side would love Kate too, if only because she got me to shave off my beard!

But the group that IS here is such a beautiful thing. We live in very divisive times, but we’re here celebrating connection, and the group we're celebrating with is, like this city we're in, proof that many people of different religions, origins, and perspectives can come together and make something wonderful.

Jack and Charlie, I really want to thank you for welcoming me into your home. It’s not the easiest thing to do, adjusting to having a stepfather, and it means a lot to me that you’ve been willing to give it a shot.

Chaya, I’m so delighted that you get to have Kate in your life. Thank you for opening your heart to her — I really think you won’t be sorry. I love you so much,

Kate — I adore you.

This is gonna be so much fun!

Kate's toast

Eighteen years ago, exactly, I got married, and things did not go as planned.

But when do they, really? No matter what your plans, it has been my observation that life rarely unfolds in accordance with them. In my case, it has turned out that having your plans go awry can be an incredible gift, and an invitation to a redesigned life.

This morning I got married again, not as 28-year old woman just out of law school this time, but as a 46-year old mother of two, with several careers, a marriage, some exhilarating successes, and some heartbreaking failures behind me. I’ve changed a lot in those years, and many of you have been along for the ride. Standing here, I feel so rich in what most matters, namely the profound connections I have with you, connections that have persisted and strengthened through all of these many transitions and life stages.

I have three toasts that I want to make today. I promised my dad that this would be my last wedding, so I need to make it count.

First to my friends: There are dear ones here from every stage of my life. Classmates from elementary school all the way through law school. University roommates. Travel companions. Work mates from law, from publishing, from the University of Toronto. Many of these friendships span more than 20 years, and I’m grateful to you guys for coming out a second time. That’s real commitment.

I look around this room and see friends from all of the communities that have sustained me in adulthood. My tennis ladies are here, and my writing coven, and my cooking pals, and my weight-lifters and yogis, and the generous neighbours who make me feel as though I live in a tiny village filled with obsessive dog-lovers and gourmet cooks, which in a sense I do.

There are teachers here who’ve given me so much of what I’ve needed to figure out how to be here now, and I thank them.

There are friends who travelled a long way to be here with me today. Ana Maria and her daughter Mandy are here from Vancouver. Ana Maria and I met in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, on my first work trip away from toddler Jack. She is my favourite thing about the years I spent as a fundraiser. Four members of the Gilbert family are here from Oregon as well – Mike, Meredith, Alexa, and Dylan. The Gilbert and Hilton families grew up together, and we have a grand tradition of attending each other’s milestone events. Last summer, I was at Alexa and Dylan’s wedding, and I want to thank them for being here, and for inspiring me to look for a man who would make the kind of vows to me that you made to each other. I’d say mission accomplished, wouldn’t you?

This brings me to the first toast I want to make. Please raise your glass in celebration of friendship.

Next to my family. My mom and dad are gorgeous people, which you already know if you know them. They just celebrated 50 years of marriage, and they make it look easy. My parents have given me so much, and I don’t want to let the opportunity pass to thank them for the incredible support they provided after the breakdown of my first marriage, which was an extremely difficult time for me. Their legacy is a loving clan of very diverse personalities, which is nevertheless remarkably cohesive, and includes my sisters, Anne and Betsy, my brothers-in-law Greg and Jamie, my nephews Theo and Sam, and of course my own boys, Jack and Charlie. I thank all of them for welcoming yet another diverse character into it. I thank Sasha’s family as well, and especially Chaya, for their warm welcome, which is deeply touching to me.

To my sons, Jack and Charlie: To me, you are perfect, just as you are. I thank you for opening your hearts and home to a stepdad and stepsister. I would not have asked it of you unless I had found someone worthy of playing this role in your lives. I think you already know what a special man Sasha is, and how much he has to offer you, and I admire your willingness to take this leap of faith with us.

Please join me in raising a glass to family.

Lastly, to Sasha: This wasn’t something I thought I would get to have. It made me sad, sometimes, but I had wonderful friends, and a loving family, and my beautiful sons, and my dream job. And it was more than good enough.

And then there was you. And you said, Being an artist is cool. You said, I want to make the world better together. You said, Helping raise two young men is a privilege. You said, How can I support your dreams? And I said, Marry me. And you said, Yes. And I’m so glad. I’m so glad that we get to continue this amazing conversation for as long as we have breath in our bodies. I’m so glad that we get to embark on this grand adventure together. I’m so glad that you are my husband.